Monday, February 14, 2011

jim and pam.

ok so with it being valentines day, i have a few things to get off my chest. 1. i think it is too over celebrated. 2. i think if you really care about someone they should get flowers, or cards, or whatever on any random day, not just one day a year. ok now i'm not saying it isn't sweet to do something special for whoever on valentines day, i think that’s great! but i don't know. i've just never been a fan. maybe it is a little bitterness because i've never had "someone" during valentines day, but because of that i realize the other side of the day and how it feels. now, I don’t want a pitty party. i'm at a good place in life and actually pretty happy. i'm also very thankful that it didn't work with the people i've been with because obviously it wasn't suppose to be and i know that is a blessing, whether i realize it right now or not. i know in the long run it's better to wait and be happy then to settle. that doesn't always mean it's easy. i feel like there is so much pressure on being single and 25. part of that is the small town, everyone thinks you should be married by 21 and if you aren't something is wrong with you. Sometimes i do start feeling like it's me, something that i am doing wrong. today, for instance, i can't tell you how many people asked who i was having a "hot date" with tonight. when my response was no one i either got "what? why not?" orrrrr "ok, well i'm going to find you someone" both responses are awkward. maybe, i’m too sensitive, which i’ve heard, but it can be awkward and hurtful, in a way. just for future reference :) haha i know it will happen for me, it just takes time, or that’s what i’s just a blah day and i needed to vent.

ok ,so i titled my post jim and pam because i love their relationship. yes, i know that its a tv show (the office!) but other than my parents, they have the relationship i admire the most. i like that they just go together. they get each other. i love the way their relationship came about and the way they will look at each other and know what the other is thinking. thats how it should be. last night on the grammy's katy perry sang a song called not like the movies. i looked the lyrics up and it's my new theme song. my favorite part of the song....

" If it doesn't stop time,
If you cant see the sign,
Wait for it.
One hundred percent,
With every penny spent.
He'll be the one that,
Finishes your sentences." ------cheesy, i know. don’t judge. :)

sometimes i feel crazy for even thinking that this is real or that it can really be like that but my parents have shown me a real life example of a movie relationship. and i admire that. and them. i know it will be worth the wait to have a relationship like theirs. so, yeah, i promise my blog isn’t always going to be about dating and relationships or a pity party but it feels good to get all of that out. i love you guys and your patience with me and your love you show to me. sooo yeah :)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

day one.

today was the day. i woke up this morning and made my mind up that it was going to be a good day. i was starting fresh on this journey i've set out to have. i wasn't going to let anything or anyone bring me down. i think i've decided this is not always a good idea. i swear the world knows you have that in mind and they decide to take that away from you. slowly i found myself letting small things drive me crazy and letting little things bring me down. i started having negative thoughts or doubting myself, just as quickly as i had made up my mind that i was going to be positive. i was ready to be back home in bed by 8am and my day had not even begun. my outfit didn't look good, i haven't lost as much weight as i would like, have i taught my kids enough to pass the big test coming up, so very soon?, how do i always run out of money so quickly?, oh how much i hate valentines day, etc. it's crazy how fast things can change. i know that and have realized it more and more recently but really? my plan was to have a good day and i had already let things, that are out of my control at that moment, bring me down. why do we do that? as i was working trying to get all the morning stuff done, trying to get the papers passed out, and my classroom ready for the day, the kids began to come in. one of my students came up to me tapping on my side.i was pretty frustrated that they were out of their seat, especially when i had things i needed to get done but i looked down, probably not very nicely, to a smiling face , that reached out to give me a huge hug. thats all they wanted. a hug.  it hit me that these kids really do love me. they love me with a love that is so hard for me to understand. here i was thinking about all the these negative things and bringing myself down, and how this was the last place i wanted to be, and i was surrounded by a group of kids that would love me and want me to be there regardless of what i wear, or how i look, or how much money i have. they look forward to seeing me. yes, they still drive me crazy at times :) but i couldn't believe all the time with these children that i have taken advantage of, all the stories that i have been to busy to hear, all the hugs that i probably missed because they need to stay in their seats. then i realized this isn't just with my kids it's with everyone and everything. i get so worked up over things that i can not control and so upset about things that obviously are not suppose to work out and i pull back. i get in these blah moods and push people away, when my friends and family are who i need most. i'm missing out on smiles and laughs because i'm busy feeling sorry for myself. i have so much to be thankful for. so many things that i don't deserve and that i take advantage of. things do change quickly. you never know what could or will happen. thats all the more reason, i don't want to take advantage of these small things. i know it's easier said than done, but i'm going to work on it. i don't want to miss out of things or life. my day ended with me finishing my taxes (and getting money back, i might add), skyping with my sweet nephew, Charlie, doing a hilarious 2 mile walk with two amazing and encouraging friends, and seeing my parents, who i adore. i know not everyday is going to be perfect, but my goal is to look for the postive. keep me accountable! :)

Monday, February 7, 2011

new start.

so here we go... trying something new. where to start? life has been crazy...for a while now actually. so many changes. growing up is scary. it's hard to know where to go or what to do. i've come to the conclusion that my 20's have been my most awkward time in life. yet, i've come to realize that i have one of the most amazing families and some pretty wonderful friends that are and will be with me through anything. yet, although i'm not real sure why, i still have this unsatisfied feeling. society has made me feel as if i have to have someone to be someone. it shouldn't be that way. i want to be someone before i find someone. i feel like i try so hard to please people when i don't even know what makes me happy a lot of the time. i don't know why i put so much pressure on myself to make sure so many people are happy when most of those people are unable, whatever the circumstance, to do the same for me. i don't want to be selfish but i don't want to be walked on anymore either. it's not fair to continually give and be hurt time and time again. in any kind of relationship.
this year is a year to find myself. what i like to do. where i want to be. who my real friends are. i'm learning to say no. i'm learning to stand up for myself. it should be fun... i'm excited about my journey. :)