Tuesday, February 8, 2011

day one.

today was the day. i woke up this morning and made my mind up that it was going to be a good day. i was starting fresh on this journey i've set out to have. i wasn't going to let anything or anyone bring me down. i think i've decided this is not always a good idea. i swear the world knows you have that in mind and they decide to take that away from you. slowly i found myself letting small things drive me crazy and letting little things bring me down. i started having negative thoughts or doubting myself, just as quickly as i had made up my mind that i was going to be positive. i was ready to be back home in bed by 8am and my day had not even begun. my outfit didn't look good, i haven't lost as much weight as i would like, have i taught my kids enough to pass the big test coming up, so very soon?, how do i always run out of money so quickly?, oh how much i hate valentines day, etc. it's crazy how fast things can change. i know that and have realized it more and more recently but really? my plan was to have a good day and i had already let things, that are out of my control at that moment, bring me down. why do we do that? as i was working trying to get all the morning stuff done, trying to get the papers passed out, and my classroom ready for the day, the kids began to come in. one of my students came up to me tapping on my side.i was pretty frustrated that they were out of their seat, especially when i had things i needed to get done but i looked down, probably not very nicely, to a smiling face , that reached out to give me a huge hug. thats all they wanted. a hug.  it hit me that these kids really do love me. they love me with a love that is so hard for me to understand. here i was thinking about all the these negative things and bringing myself down, and how this was the last place i wanted to be, and i was surrounded by a group of kids that would love me and want me to be there regardless of what i wear, or how i look, or how much money i have. they look forward to seeing me. yes, they still drive me crazy at times :) but i couldn't believe all the time with these children that i have taken advantage of, all the stories that i have been to busy to hear, all the hugs that i probably missed because they need to stay in their seats. then i realized this isn't just with my kids it's with everyone and everything. i get so worked up over things that i can not control and so upset about things that obviously are not suppose to work out and i pull back. i get in these blah moods and push people away, when my friends and family are who i need most. i'm missing out on smiles and laughs because i'm busy feeling sorry for myself. i have so much to be thankful for. so many things that i don't deserve and that i take advantage of. things do change quickly. you never know what could or will happen. thats all the more reason, i don't want to take advantage of these small things. i know it's easier said than done, but i'm going to work on it. i don't want to miss out of things or life. my day ended with me finishing my taxes (and getting money back, i might add), skyping with my sweet nephew, Charlie, doing a hilarious 2 mile walk with two amazing and encouraging friends, and seeing my parents, who i adore. i know not everyday is going to be perfect, but my goal is to look for the postive. keep me accountable! :)

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